THE WALL

I feel as if I have put up an imaginary wall around myself. This wall protects me from the pain, hurts, loneliness, and nightmares from the last 6.5 months. I am afraid that this imaginary wall has become so strong that it now holds me up. Right now, I am not sure what would happen without it. The wall does, however, comes down ever so slightly almost every day. This usually happens when I am alone. It is then that I fall apart...breaking into a million pieces. A broken shell of the old me. It is then that the tears and the pain flow freely and my silent screams rise within me.

Slowly the wall builds back up preparing for yet another day. Every once in awhile someone says or does something that touches my heart and a crack forms in the wall, some tears may also appear. I cannot stop them as they come from my soul. They are tears of release from the pain inside me and tears of gratitude because someone cared.

Over time the wall has strengthened and I fear it will become a part of me. I believe there is only one way out of this wall. The wall that I have come to love for it's protection yet hate for it's isolation. It is the caring, understanding, comfort, and love from others that will continue to create cracks in the wall. Eventually, hopefully, there will be enough cracks in the wall that it will completely come down.

In order to bring my wall down, or any wall, it would need to be encircled by others who offered the love and care that is so desperately needed. It is then, and only then, that I will be free from this wall. I trust it is then that I will not need this wall anymore. I will be able to hold myself up, both physically and emotionally.

Many will not withstand the long and laborious time. For those of you who do, I hope you are not disappointed with the person standing in front of you. I will be a different version of who you knew. My hope is not to become an angry and bitter person but a loving and compassionate one. I will never be a whole person again, please do not expect it. Part of me died with Michelle, never to return. Though it will be because of Michelle and you too, that I will continue to grow without the need of a wall. Thank you.

Tidal Waves

I had prepared for Michelle's 27th birthday on 9/6 which was right after the 5 month anniversary of her death. I did a lot of self talk on the anniversary and got through that day. On her birthday my sister came in town and we went out for lunch then went for a long hike followed by dinner and more talk. It was really nice. 

I believe I plan for specific days that I know will be difficult to get through them. What happens is that FOLLOWING those days I am hit with a tidal wave of emotions and depression. It has been 6 days since Michelle's birthday and I have only left the apartment a few times. Most of the time I was alone or with my dog. I find it so difficult at times to be around people during these periods. I feel like all the progress and self improvement I have made is washed away, it's gone. I have missed 3 classes and haven't applied for 1 job. I finally hung up the quote:

"Don't ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you aren't willing to move your feet"

Many days I can get my feet going but then I hit periods like this and I feel immobilized, scared, anxious, lonely, depressed and wonder if it is worth continuing. I miss my daughter, I miss talking to her, I am so angry and jealous of people who say they can feel their loved one's near them. I can't! I walk outside and I stand ever so still, I try to feel with every cell in my body, I smell, I let the air move around me....the only feeling I get is a deep, dark feeling of desolate emptiness. No, she is no longer here. I am her Mother, I would know. We used to share the same sun, the same moon, and the same air. Even when she was living away I knew this and could feel her essence in the atmosphere. It is no longer there.

I told her when she was afraid to go to school that when she felt the wind, it was me sending her a hug, The air was wrapping my arms around her and hugging her. It became one of our sayings to each other, it is even on my last birthday card from her. I long to feel the wind and just know it is her, so far it is just the wind.

I am trying to honor Michelle by becoming the best "me" that I can. Some days I feel like I am making steps towards it. But periods like these just make me feel like I failed her when she was alive and I am failing her after her death. I honestly believe she was so special that she deserved a better mother, better parents than what she was given. At my lowest I wonder if I had made her go to the DR would we have been able to find her heart problems...but no, I am unemployed and did not like to even suggest it. I know she never said anything about not feeling well but I wonder if she would have since she knew I didn't have the money???

The counselor that I have been seeing is no longer at the facility where she was, she is looking for a new position. I hope and pray she finds something soon and that I can start seeing her again. I have never really felt comfortable with a counselor but I do with her. I miss having someone to really talk to. She helps explain the feelings, my reactions, what is normal etc. I pray that she finds a place soon and that she can continue to see me.

I have some homework and I need to get back on track....Michelle, if you can hear me, there is no way that I can make it without you and God right beside me, holding me up.....I am not strong enough to do this alone.

Learning from 9/11

Today is a day of remembrance and pride, for what we lost and for those who ran towards instead of away, from people in need. I believe we need to remember our past to learn from it, both the failures and the successes.

Today as we remember, let us also ponder on how fear and anger can drive people to do things they would not normally do. Let us learn from the treatment of Muslims and "foreign" looking people after 9/11, let us remember the Japanese internment, the Jewish people, the Polish, the Irish, people of Color, the gay's, and now the Mexican immigrants. These are but a few.

The events of 9/11 forever changed our nation. Let's honor those who passed and pray for their family and friends...but also remember the people who helped those in need, the flags that started flying from homes, the pride felt in our country, the empathy and compassion that flowed from hearts.

I am learning that when you are in pain it helps to remember the good. We can choose to remember the act itself ~ or the death itself, or we can choose to remember the gifts that came from this, to individuals as well as to the world, how events and people touch our hearts and make us better people because of them.

I believe those who have past on would want us to better ourselves instead of becoming bitter. I love the quote; "If my child or loved one were here with me today what would they tell me to spend more time doing and what would they tell me to spend less time doing?" I do not believe they would want our hearts to be filled with fear, hatred or anger. Instead let our hearts be filled with compassion, empathy, and love. 

Today I honor those lost during 9/11 and their friends and families. I pray we learn from our adversity, tribulations, and losses. I hope and pray we will never forget those who have gone before us. I also hope because of them and the price they paid, we become better people and continue to grow, not in fear but in love.

A friends words

A friend wrote this and I had to post it:


I am strong because I've known weakness, 
I am compassionate because I have experienced suffering, 
I am alive because I am a fighter, 
I am wise because I've been foolish, 
I can laugh because I have known sadness. 
 can love because I have known loss. 
Mostly, I am strong because God holds me up when I stand! 
Thank you God for making me a strong woman who has weathered the storm but still loves to dance in the rain!!

9/6/11 ~ Michelle's 27th birthday

For those of you who do not have access to my daughters FB site, I have compiled some of HER words (she had so many journals). These words span over several years, ending about 1.5 years ago.

To Michelle, on what would have been your 27th birthday:

You and your brother are my greatest accomplishments. I am a better person because of you. The world was a better place when you were in it. With your help as well as His help, I hope to not only get through this but to become a person you both will be proud of. I will always love you and miss you. It was both an honor and a blessing to call you my daughter. As you became an adult and grew into a beautiful woman, you became so much more...you were my friend, my cheerleader, you taught me the meaning of loving, I am eternally grateful that you were given to ME to raise, even if only for 26 years.

From Michelle's journaling (I hope we learn from her words):

I've lived many places which has enabled me to meet many amazing, different people, see a lot of things, and have adventures, but AZ is eternally my home. I'm grateful for what it brought to me. Life is short and the older I get the more I am aware of this fact.."Most of us live our whole lives... without any real adventure to call our own." I'm addicted to good movies...I love meeting new people, having fun, great conversation, etc. I love a great night out on the town with great people but also love my nights at home in "feetie pajamas" with spaceships on them.

I'm me...the good and bad. Well, there is no "good" or "bad'...so I should say the traits some people love and others don't... I give everything I can to those around me. I have been accused of being overly generous, but I hope that whenever I die, at least I know I made other people's lives/experiences better, even in tiny ways.

Do I regret any of my relationships? No. Some of them were stupid. Some were good, and some were bad. Some hurt like hell and left some serious scars. Some were amazing and made me immensely happy. Some were extremely painful. Some were life altering. The really good ones were all of the above. Every relationship I've had (friends, family, romantic) have been a blessing and I truly care about all of those people and am grateful for what they brought to my life and in some cases, continue to bring...sometimes I have trouble seeing it, but I remind myself, even the bad made me stronger and better. 

I've been blessed (as an old friend recently told me) because I have had GREAT people in my life; I have great friends. Even the ones who are no longer actively in my world as much or we've parted ways, I can only hope some of their greatness rubs off on me. It is never where you are but who you are with that matters.

Everything has led me to where I am..it isn't fabulous, or even what I expected...in fact, it is nothing like I expected and nowhere I thought I'd be (New York City??). But, that is life...it is never what we expect, and sometimes we hate that and sometimes we love it. Hopefully, we just enjoy it.

We can only hope that in the time we have alive, we grow, improve, and develop....not necessarily into "perfection" but at least consistently becoming better everday.

Where I'm going....somewhere better. I'm a better person than I thought I could be. The answer is that I care, I may be crazy, impuslive, and even very picky about those close to me, but in the end, I am empathtic. I'm going somewhere good in the future, because forgiveness and love allow me to overcome and let people affect and improve my life...moreover, in my desire to improve theirs lives' I become a better person everyday.

Lost Love

Void, empty, hollow inside

My dreams have fled, my hopes have died

Existence has no reason

Life's just passing with each season

She was my life, my hope, my love

All is gone, passed by thereof

The hurt is such no one should bear

What's to life, why should I care?

I weep all night for my love gone

My heart is sick, for death I long

Mine eyes well tears for love that's lost

I'll mourn always for the great cost

But in each day Lord give me hope

Strengthen me so I may cope

Grant me wisdom to help me see

Thy great way and not just me.

For if these traits are not given to me

I fear a fate similar to thee

For this life is now too difficult to bear

Since her death I just don't care

                  ~~found this it was written by someone else, I added the last paragraph..

1st Time in Church since Michelle died

I went to church this past Sunday, something I hadn't done in awhile, I hadn't found a church home but I have to admit that I wasn't looking really hard either. Anyway, I went to Unity Christ Church, Rev Mary officiated @ Michelle's memorial service. I was nervous about going but prayed that God would open my heart and let me hear what I needed to hear.

I came in on Part 3 of a discussion but this sermon was on Prosperity Challenge. She discussed how you can't enter a place of prospering idea's from a place of fear. In other words if we are so fearful of the future and worrying about the future, we are starting to go forward from that place of fear. When we form a consciousness of fear, it can only lead to the wrong place, because out of fear WE are dictating the direction. 

Whereas with the Prosperity Challenge we 1st of all need to start with exactly where we are at that moment, with what we have. We need to concentrate on what we have and be thankful of what we Do have and not what we don't have. By starting out from a place of graditute we are actually forming a bridge to the kingdom of God.

So instead of worrying about bills, how we will make it, etc, we need to stand still, be still. God commands we enter a different consciousness by standing still. By being still we form a partnership with God and the universe. 

So, we start with where we are and with what we have,  it is enough because it is all we have so it HAS to be enough. When we give thanks it leads to words and feelings which then leads us to a "HAVE" consciousness not a "HAVE NOT" consciousness. If we have thoughts of love and thankfulness, those feelings radiate from us and create more of those feelings. Similar to magnets and like attacks like.

It states it in 2 Kings Ch.4, where it shows there is power in the moment. When the poor woman had nothing but oil in her home, she focused on what she did have and God make the oil last. By focusing on what she had she did not need to worry about the future. Jesus also spoke about it in the Gospels, when they told God they did not have enough to feed everyone.  Jesus focused on what they did have ~ some loaves of bread and some wine, He then gives thanks for what HE DOES have and the feelings of thankfulness and love create more, thus they had enough to feed everyone. Also, by giving away what we do have it "expands and grows".

In other words, give thanks for what you DO have and God will lead you to what he wants you to have.

YES = Your Empowerment System

Also, we repeated the following which I liked:

Surely the presence of the Lord is in this place

Surely the presence of our God is in this place,

I can feel the mighty power & the grace.

I can hear the brush of angel's wings,

I see glory on each face.

Surely the presence of our God is in this place.

"The light of God surrounds us

the love of God enfolds us

The power of God protects us

The presence of God watches over us"

When I Must Leave You

When I Must Leave You

 

When I must leave you for a little while-

Please do not grieve and shed wild tears

And hug your sorrow to you through the years.

But start out bravely with a gallant smile,

And for my sake and in my name

Live on and do all things the same.

Feed not your loneliness on empty days,

But fill each waking hour in useful ways.

Reach out your hand in comfort and cheer

And I in turn will comfort you and hold you near:

And, never, never be afraid to die,

For I am waiting for you in the sky!

My Eulogy to Michelle

Following some words from Rev. Mary Woods about Michelle and her life, I followed with this eulogy I wrote about Michelle. I hope I did her justice...

This reminds me of a time when we were living in Tempe, AZ. Michelle had always brought home stray cats and dogs. This evening I was standing in the kitchen when Michelle came home. Following her through the door were a man and a woman, they were dirty and while it took a few minutes, it finally hit me that Michelle had brought home 2 homeless people. I did talk her into allowing us to take them to the shelter instead of them staying at our home, but for the following week she kept reminding me of all the things I had told her about helping people.

I hope you can bear with me because as most of you know Michelle was the one with the talent to get up and talk in front of people. Michelle was also a gifted writer with the capacity to express herself so eloquently. Because of this, I took the liberty of sharing some of her words.

Over the last week and a half so many memories have come flooding back to me. I think most of us would agree that her smile set her apart from others. I will never forget the many times we laughed so hard that we cried. I loved her sense of humor.

Michelle has lived in various states and made friends everywhere. She told me once the great thing about this was her exposure to so many places and meeting a wide variety of people. The difficult thing on a day like today is that many of her friends and those who cared about her cannot be here.

It breaks my heart to think of what we have lost. I am also sad for the people who were not fortunate enough to have been touched by her. When I get sad or angry, I hope I can remember that I was truly blessed by having her in my life, even if only for 26 years. I am a better person because of Michelle. I believe the world is a better place because Michelle was in it.

A friend of mine wrote to me about Michelle and was able to say what I could not. She wrote “When I think of Michelle I think of promise.  She was always a fighter and always moved on towards her goal no matter what.  She was small but she was mighty - a small package with a great heart.  I always felt that she had a spirituality unique to herself and that she walked with God - just in a different way”.

I loved Michelle’s independence, her intelligence and even the fact that at times she took on a little too much. She was a strong person but those that knew her well knew she had a tender heart and could easily be hurt.

No matter where we were, Michelle and I touched base or talked almost every day. I loved that about our relationship, and while I will treasure that I will miss those calls and talks terribly.

There are a couple things about Michelle that stand out more than others. One would be her generosity. If any of her friends or family needed something she would freely give whatever she could. She also got so much enjoyment out of giving to others and she put a great amount of thought into her gifts so they were extremely personal and meaningful.

In going through her things this week we found some cards she had already purchased: a father’s day card and a birthday card for me. This giving spirit lives on in a family tradition she started. Like many families we always put stockings up for Christmas and being a single mom and the one filling the stockings, mine never had much in it. Michelle never said anything but started putting small gifts she had wrapped into our stockings, this evolved over the years into the three of us buying things for each others stockings. The best part of Christmas ended up being those stockings.

Another thing that stands out about Michelle is her love of friends and family. Michelle wrote “Every relationship I've had (friends, family, romantic) have been a blessing and I truly care about all of those people and am grateful for what they brought to my life and in some cases, continue to bring...How sad and dreary my existence would be without these colorful people in it.

When Michelle was little we used to say she was given to us for sheer entertainment. As she grew I soon realized there was much more there. She had a kind spirit and a deep & gentle soul.

Like all of us Michelle wasn’t perfect. She made some mistakes, and in the midst of obtaining goals, lost sight of and questioned the reasoning behind those goals. What is clear is Michelle was learning, growing and trying to become the best person she could. We shared many conversations about this and I will treasure them always. In Michelle’s writings, she was reflecting on a book Steinbeck wrote near the end of his life saying “We can only hope that in the time we have alive, we grow, improve, and develop…not necessarily into “perfection” but at least consistently becoming better every day”.

In contemplating life Michelle also wrote “it is never what we expect, and sometimes we hate that and sometimes we love it. Hopefully, we just enjoy it”.

I was so proud to call her my daughter I can only hope I can make her proud of me, both in how I handle the loss of her and what I do with my remaining time. I ask that you hug your children, your friends and your loved ones. Let them know how special they are. I will always wish I had just one more time to hold Michelle and to try to convey to her the depth of my love for her.

So today, as we gather to mourn Michelle’s early death, we need to remember what she left us with. We have wonderful memories of her and the love she shared with each of us. To honor her memory we can all continue Michelle’s struggle for growth. We can look inwards and at what we need to improve about ourselves so we can continue to develop into the best that we can be.

As Michelle said “I’m going somewhere good in the future, because forgiveness and love allow me to overcome, and I allow people to affect and improve my life…moreover, in my desire to improve their lives’ I become a better person everyday”.

Thank you cards for Michelle's memorial service

I am trying to get through the thank you cards. It is difficult. While it reminds me of all the wonderful things people did and continue to do, it is a painful reminder of why I am even here writing the notes. I keep hoping that this is a bad dream and that someone is going to wake me up. I will then run to my daughter and hold her, tell her how much I love her, how proud I am of her and how blessed I am to be HER mother....but no one comes, please wake me up!!! Slowly the reality sinks in that it isn't a nightmare, it is all true; beginning with the dreadful call from Good Samaritan Hospital in Los Angeles, CA, the call came @ 1:11 a.m. Please tell me how you can't revive a healthy 26 year old?? I just talked to her a couple hrs before, I just sent her a couple texts saying I hoped she was feeling better and that I loved her....was she still alive when I sent them? Had she already died?? I want to scream like I have never done before, this was my baby, my daughter, my best friend... I can still feel that nauseous feeling that I got when talking to the hospital. I swear the world tilted on it's axis, I felt the shift, didn't you? Life will never be the same......here is her thank you card...

New direction

I thought about creating another blog or a separate one but decided to keep this one and change the direction a little. Well, I should say that I have been forced to change direction. I would much rather be writing about walking my dog and dieting but I will be wring about my life or more importantly my life as I try to adjust to life without my daughter.

I have wanted to start writing, or have needed to start writing but if I write anything on my FB page, I think it makes people uncomfortable. So, I am writing it here. For those of you who do not want to read about it, that is fine. 

So, While I may add something about going for a walk, most of my blogs will be about Michelle, my memories of her, my feels since she has died, and the impact she and now her death have had on me and my life. I can tell you that 99.9% of the time I am in excruciating pain and the rest of the time I am angry. I miss her! On Monday it will be 6 weeks since I have heard her beautiful voice. I want to go back to talking to her every day.

I am struggling with why this happened to such a wonderful person. She was too young and deserved to live a full life. When I hear about some of the people who are out there and still living, causing pain to others, not good people and have little regard for anyone other than themselves...I wonder why not them, why Michelle?he was the one who brought home animals to rescue them (I still have a dog and cat) and then one day while in high school brought home a homeless could. I can still remember my shock. But that was Michelle.

I truly believe I am a better person because of Michelle and that the world was a better place because of Michelle. I am trying to grasp this notion of going on without her...even wondering if I want to. It is too hard, too painful, and I miss her too much.

Anyway, my blog will be changing as I am. Stick around if you want to.

Strength

I am not sure that I have the strength to go on without Michelle. It took the coroner in LA almost 2 weeks to finally do an autopsy, only to tell us it was deferred until they get the toxicology report - which may take up to 20 weeks! 

Michelle's memorial service was this past Saturday, the 16th of April. We got to see her the day before. I have never really been around someone who had died so I was not sure what I would do. She didn't look that good. I was amazed that they was no spark, no essence of her...she truly was gone. The service went well according to everyone. We did a celebration of life. I put together 3 boards of pictures of her over the years. I did try to find pictures of her with people who were going to be at the service. Mary (the minister) did a good job but I tried really hard not to concentrate too hard on what she was saying. We ended the service with a candle lighting ceremony. Michelle's candle symbolized her soul, the very essence of Michelle. We all lit small candles from her's and set it down on the table by her candle. This was to show that even though we were apart we would always be together in spirit and love.

After going to E's house, we ate, drank, etc. then people started leaving....going back to their lives. I know this affected everyone but they can go back to their lives. My heart hurts. The worst time is the evenings. I want to know why? Why Michelle? Why when she was still so young? Oh my God, I miss her so much, I cannot imagine never talking to her again, never hugging her, never telling her the depth of my love for her. When I think of the years ahead of me there is a part of me that knows she would want me to live life to its fullest...but there is also a large part of me that really wonders if I can go on. What can of life will I have without her? 

I do love my son but as a daughter gets older the relationship between a mother and daughter changes into a very close relationship. Not that we didn't drive each other crazy at times but I respected her, I was proud of who she was as a person, I loved the fact that she wanted to become the best person she could.

I am still so shocked that one day she was here, talking to me on the phone, then I get a call saying that they could not resuscitate her...why would the beautiful heart of an amazing 26 year old woman stop? Why would God allow it? Why are bad people still alive and Michelle isn't? What horrible twist of fate let me give birth to my beautiful daughter then take her away from me? Her dad - my x, says he has gotten a few calls from someone late @ night, only Michelle called late @ night. When he looks at his phone it says her name...then it fades away. Her boyfriend Brandon, whom  she lived with for 3 years says he feels her next to him, that he talks to her because he knows she is in the room with him. I believe in things like that...why don't I sense her? Why can't I feel her around me? I need to know that she is ok.

I don't want to be an angry person, but I can see and feel myself getting angrier every day. We went to the funeral home today to pick her up. They handed us a box with her ashes in it. My daughter, with the deep, caring soul, and this is all that is left of her. I wonder if my heart will ever heal? Do I even want it to? It just seems like it will take so much energy to heal from this......Michelle, I love you, I miss you, I want you back.

Michelle 9/6/84 - 4/4/11 My beautiful daughter

I keep trying to write something, anything, as long as it is amazing, but I just stare at the screen. Words fail me, my heart aches as never before, at times I just want to scream "give her back to me". I look for a sign, is she ok? All mothers want to know where their children are and that they are safe. That's only natural. You see on Monday my beautiful daughter died. She was 26 years old. We have no idea why and are waiting for the autopsy to find out what happened.

Michelle is amazing. I lost a daughter, a friend, a cheerleader, and someone I respected. I was so proud of the woman she had become and was still growing into. I will tell you more about her when I can. Please pray that God is with her and that He is with us during this time.

Update on Hearing Aid

I will be getting my hearing aid within the next 2 weeks. I am so excited and having a hard time waiting... Everything else is going well. I have 2 tests tomorrow and am not really prepared for them so I am going to make this short. 

I will post more after the tests....

Hear, Hear!

I received wonderful news yesterday that I just had to share! Many do not know that I am hearing impaired. Due to a growth and surgeries, I am deaf in one ear and have lost about 43% in my other. Most insurance companies do not cover the cost of hearing aids because they are considered a "luxury" item. These same insurance companies do however, cover Viagra!! Go figure. But, I digress.. I have been trying to obtain a hearing aid because I still have what they call nerve hearing and certain hearing aids can help. I just found out yesterday that I may be able to get one of these hearing aids!!!!! I am so ecstatic! I can not imagine what it will be like to go in a restaurant and actually be able to hear, to be able to follow along in class.... Needless to say, I feel truly blessed right now.

I have been walking every evening again but I'm not losing any weight. I would like to join WW again, I seem to do well with it and like the accountability. We will need to see how money goes.

I just really wanted to share my good news!

Saturday

Went to a local coffee house to study, we decided to try a new one. I didn't get much done on my paper and we learned that specific coffee house is a little to loud for studying but it was fun to visit.

I haven't gotten back into my exercising other than walking but I am doing well at watching what I am eating and sticking to healthier options.

My daughter did come for a 2 week visit. It went well and we enjoyed being together. I have to say that her smoking did bother me a little. I was either tempted or coughing because the smoke came in through the patoi door! Next month I will be celebrating my 1 year anniversary for quitting smoking. Now to lose the weight I gained from quitting....

Hopefully the nice weather holds out for the rest of the weekend.

uncluttered life, uncluttered mind

I have been going through my house and de-cluttering. I have done this in the past when my children moved out and when I moved to a smaller place but clutter seems to be like gremlins, it multiplies!

I sold my large dining room table and bought a smaller, more modern one. I was also able to get a really nice "new to me" desk and got rid of my old desk. This desk has a larger work space and I love it. I was able to purchase all of these with the money from selling my dining room table, so I am pleased.

I have gone through all my rooms except my bedroom, I am tackling that this weekend. I also need to go through my storage closet and the closets in my bedroom. This feels so good and refreshing, like a weight has been lifted.

I have also started writing down what I am eating, another step in getting back on track. I am struggling with late night snacking.

Kodi and I are going back out for walks, which also feels good. I recently found "meetup" online and have joined a hiking group and a 50+ group. I am hoping to meet people in Fort Wayne, something I haven't really gone out of my way to do. Since I've just joined I don't have an opinion yet but am going into it with an open mind.

Learning about ADHD has been interesting and sad. I am learning how to be more organized since I know the medication is only the beginning. Eventually I will try to learn more about food and how other things effect me. Right now, I just want to learn to be me again and to enjoy some of the things I have never been able to. I don't what it to define me but it is amazing the things I am learning....

It's a beautiful day and I am getting my hair done today...going with a perm for a new look and less work. For those who know me, you know that I don't like high maintenance.

Have a wonderful weekend!!!

I'MMMMMMM BAAAAACCCKKKK!!!!!

It's been a busy, hectic, wild month. I went to a new DR last week (this has been a long and ongoing) and after going through a lot of my health history and letting him know how frustrated I am and how bad I still feel. We talked for quite some time before he brought up ADHD. I told him that 3 of my professors in the last year have mentioned this. Anyway,  I decided to try the medication. To say that I was shocked and surprised is an understatement. I feel so much better, I am able to concentrate, my thinking is clearer, I'm less irritable, my thoughts are less jumbled... I could go on and on.

I am keeping a journal so I can keep track of how I feel. I am making sure I am eating (have to with my thyroid) and sleeping. I go back to the DR in just under two weeks. I know there are a lot of different views on this subject matter, heck I have had them myself, but, I am making decisions based on my health and how I feel. Right now I feel like I may be on the right path...

Begin again

This last month or so has been a really difficult time and I have not stuck to eating healthy or following my exercise routine. I am trying not to get down on myself but remember the many times I tried to quit smoking and that I was finally successful at that. I WILL be successful in getting healthy as well. This was a setback and I will learn from it.

My daughter arrived from NYC last night and will be in and out until she settles down, probably in AZ.

I will write more later but wanted to get back in the habit of writing on my blog...

NYC Trip

I did talk to my X yesterday and I think he is going to go get our daughter in NYC. I was VERY nervous with all the ice and snow, as well as driving in NYC (she lives right by Manhattan). So, I will find out today for sure but he sounded very positive about doing this. As much as I would love to go get my daughter, the driving was really stressing me out.

I can remember when my children were little and we would declare it summer for a day in the middle of winter. I would put towels all over our living room floor (wood), bring in their little pool and put some water in it. We would play Jimmy Buffett, pack a lunch and pretend it was summer. The kids would run around in their bathing suits and have a great time. We forgot about cleaning the house, everything. except having fun @ the "beach".

I think I need an adult version of this. Idea's are running through my mind...don't worry, I will pack a healthy lunch! LOL. Doesn't that sound like fun? Especially with all the icy/snowy conditions.

Things are moving in a better direction. I have decided that I need more structure with my eating so I am going to join WW, the low carb thing is really great but I struggle with it. WW is something that does work for me, though I wish they weren't so expensive. I won;t be able to join for a couple weeks but that's ok, I will kick start my exercising, eat healthy, and join when I can.

Have a lot to do today; homework, cleaning, laundry, and getting ready for my daughter to arrive.

Have a wonderful day!

Award

I received this award from Lanie  and you can find her @ http://healthyschmealthy.blogspot.com/

Here are the rules!

Post and link back to the person who awarded you this award. Done! See above.


Share 7 things about yourself 

1. The commercials about abused animals break my heart

2. I struggle with depression/anxiety, especially after having my thyroid

    removed

3. I am currently unemployed but trying to keep busy going to school for my

    A.S. in Paralegal Studies. I am really enjoying school and am doing well.

4. I love to read

5. I have 2 wonderful adult children, I wish them the best

6. I come from a very large family, the older I get the more I realize how

    dysfunctional it is/was

7. I am trying hard to work on myself so I can truly enjoy the last half of my

    life

Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers (or as many as you can). Since I am new to this, I have a couple people I would like to award, these are people I have been following recently:

1. Natalia - http://nmburlesonweightloss.blogspot.com/

2. Ellen - http://www.fatgirlwearingthin.com/    This is an amazing blog!

3. Kristen - http://thefatchickweigh.blogspot.com/

4. Michele - http://www.healthycultivations.com/

5. Michele - http://ruminationsasiuncoverthewomanwithin.blogspot.com/

Contact the bloggers and tell them they won.

Lanie, I really appreciate this, I can't tell you how much I needed it right now! Thank you

U Turn

Wow, it's been awhile since I have posted and I have to say I haven't been exercising OR watching what I am eating either. Just a yucky time. Updates: I did not get the job, which turned out to be ok, because it  was more of a quality manager position AND because the company is interested in me for other positions. So, while I wanted to be the one picked (don't we all) I believe there is a reason why I wasn't chosen. I should know more in the next month or so...hmm is some TRYING to teach me patience at my age???? Thanks to all of you for being so encouraging and supportive.

My daughter has been going through quite a bit and I am driving to NYC to pick her up next Thursday after class. Hopefully we can load up her things and be back by Friday evening.

What I have learned recently:

• That I let stress (like the job) affect me, my diet, and the routines I have established. Yes, I am an emotional eater
• When my children decide they need me right at that moment, I drop everything else important to me. Yes, my children are important but not always at the moment they determine
• That I need to make sure I spend some of my time on the weekend preparing for the week ahead. Starting school really threw me for a loop and school was a good thing....I need to be prepared!!

So, while it hasn't been a very good week for me diet/exercise wise, I have to look at this as a learning experience and get right back on track and begin again. Hopefully this time I will have better tools when life throws some curves......

This week I restart my sit ups, squats and yoga and the scale!

Job Interview

I have a job interview today ~ after being off work for just over a year! I am trying so HARD to remain calm and not get so nervous (and eat). I keep trying to think that I just need to do the best that I can and leave the rest to Him. If I don;t get it, I will continue to go to school F/T. BUT, if I get the job I can go to school P/T while working.

I plan on doing some relaxing techniques before hand. Keep me in your prayers that this goes well!

Wrong Turn

Made a wrong turn this week as school started, thought I was better prepared than I apparently was. Anyway, I am getting back on track and will post more later.......

Cracket Pot

A friend sent me this in an email and I wanted to share it. It goes along with some of the discussion's we have had here...I hope you enjoy it.

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. 

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. 'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.' The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.'

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

So, to all of my "cracked pot” friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

Uodate

A little frustrated that I am not making as much progress as I would like to in losing weight....I know...I always want things "right now"!. I'm kinda stuck on the same number. I have to say my exercising is coming along just fine. The sit ups and squats are going well, and I don;t even hurt as bad after the squats! I am still doing my yoga and am throwing in some Wii jogging for fun.

Started reading the book "She's Come Undone", have always wanted to read it and finally started. I am reserving judgement.

School starts tomorrow, excited and nervous. Gotta run, more later....

Weight fluctuation

Lately I have had a difficult time sleeping, which doesn't really bother a reader, I just get to read more. LOL But, I have been waking up really, really early and while I am up I weigh myself, then after I go to bed for a few hrs and wake up again, I weigh myself and it has gone up 3-4 lbs.....yes, I know I am not supposed to weigh myself but after having a good week I have been excited! This change in weight is confusing. Am I gaining weight while I sleep?????? OMG, I'll turn into an insomniac! I can see it fluctuating a Pound or two but 3-4? Confusing.

Anyway, the new semester starts on Monday. I am taking criminal law, civil law, family law, and law office technology. I am excited for the semester to start. I was hoping to have found at least a part time job by the time school started but I didn't. I am still trying....

Still having issues with the computer connection...

Have a wonderful weekend. 

Challenge of One

When I began the Challenge of One I had just gained a few lbs from the holiday. When I decided to join the challenge of one I decided to really make a commitment to being healthier and losing weight. The fact that I can no longer afford cable TV helps greatly. I have been doing my Wii, sit ups, and squats much more regularly. I have also been walking Kodi regularly.

Anyway, in about a week I have lost 5 lbs. I know this isn't going to happen each week but I am VERY happy. After researching I had decided on a low carb / GI diet because of my health issues. These first few weeks I am following South Beach to get accustomed to low carbs and will slowly introduce better carbs based on SB and GI.

I have been really trying to find a job...please keep your fingers crossed. With limited internet access I will be checking in when I can....
 

Hate-Loss Challenge

Since I am having computer issues I wanted to make sure that I posted my weekly update in case I wasn't on a computer tomorrow. I started the week with a rating of difficulty of 7-8 and could only compliment on attributes I possess such as strong. I looked up other words to help me and tried to get used to saying nice, positive things about myself...I didn't think it would be this difficult. I ended the week with pleasing (about my smile) and better about my commitment to my overall health.

I didn't think it would be as difficult as it was so I decided to read some inspirational books while doing this challenge, hoping it will become easier for me to see myself in a positive light.

Broke but not broken....

If anyone really thinks that people enjoy being unemployed, we need to talk! Unemployment messed up again and is withholding my weekly money. I will run down tomorrow and hope I can get this resolved so I can pay rent....UGH. I am wondering if this is another test? Well, I did get my 30 min walk with kodi done, I did my squats and sit ups AND even improved my reps on each one! With the stress I really want to eat but am trying not to. Not as easy task.

Money is tight right now so I was not able to go visit my Mom in the nursing home. I was able to get a smaller dose of my prescription which helped a little. What is the saying; that which doesn't destroy you will only make you stronger? Well, i am going to be so strong when this is over LOL.

I am trying to stay in a positive mood, the walk with Kodi helped. I have a list of places to submit my resume to and have made copies of my resume. I need to complete my "generic" cover letter. What I plan on doing is apply to the jobs then go visit each place and physically hand them a resume and cover letter. Wish me luck!

I am bound and determined that 2011 will be better than 2010. Staying on track with losing weight & getting healthier will help tremendously. In the spring there are some walking groups that I would like to check out, it may be a great way to start meeting some people here.

School starts in a week and I am excited to get going. It's going to be a good semester....

Another Hurdle!

Mexican food is one of my downfalls. My friend and I went to a movie and to get a bite to eat. At the movies I did NOT get any popcorn just a diet soda. After the movie the only place we found that sounded half way decent was a Mexican food restaurant. This was REALLY hard for me but I only ate 5-10 chips and ordered a hamburger, though I did not eat the bun. Instead of a side of french fries I got a side salad.. I have to admit that a part of me really wanted the chips & salsa and all the "good" things I usually get. BUT, a bigger part of me was so pleased with myself for being mindful all evening. I believe this was the 1st movie I have even gone too where I DID NOT order popcorn, and yes, I survived!! LOL

While I've been a little lazy today I am still on track with my food, I still need to take Kodi for a walk, do my Wii yoga and I was thinking about some boxing...get rid of some aggression???

I just wanted to share my evening of facing 2 very difficult tasks ~ a movie and a Mexican food restaurant, and feeling good about my decisions....I am looking forward to my weigh in on Wednesday.

As for Hate-Loss Challenge, I am trying to remember that words are a reflection of our thoughts, looked up some words to get inspired when I was having difficulty thinking of many, here are some that others may like: adventurous, amazing, artistic, attractive, authentic (I like this one), bighearted, brave, bright, calm, charitable, clever, courageous, creative, faithful, friendly, helpful, intelligent, kind, proud, optimistic, trust, and wonderful. I found it easier to comment on some attribute of my personality instead of a compliment on my body. I guess its a process....but a very worthwhile one!

Hate-Loss Challenge

Heard of this from a friend, definitely worth checking out @ Fat Girl Wearing Thin, I decided I was in...

So excited for 2011

Woke up this morning and weighed myself because I forgot yesterday. I thought with almost a 5 lb weight loss I would be in the 20's for my BMI, but no I am not. I thought I had reached it previously but must have done something wrong when entering the weight. Anyway, I will be excited when I get in the 20's for my BMI.

My thighs are killing me from my squats. While it's painful to sit down it's even harder to get up. If you hear of a woman in Indiana getting stuck on her toilet you know who is it.

It's another warm day for us so I am taking Kodi for a long walk, stretches and yoga today.

I am excited about this new year. My big challenges last year were quitting smoking in April, starting college after being laid off, being unemployed and broke, and starting my route to healthy. The great things is that I am still a non smoker, I may not have found a job YET but I am on the deans list, and I have started some positive steps towards being healthy. These steps included this blog, my diet, exercising, trying to live more organized, getting rid of the negative in my life (even if it means being lonely for awhile), and trying to be more positive. They were some difficult buy necessary steps.

This year (2011) I will continue to become healthier (spirit, mind, body) by continuing to watch what I eat, continue to exercise and blog. Being more positive and patient with others and myself. I WILL FIND A JOB =) and I will continue to do well in college. I want to reach my ideal weight by my 52 birthday in July.