I am not sure that I have the strength to go on without Michelle. It took the coroner in LA almost 2 weeks to finally do an autopsy, only to tell us it was deferred until they get the toxicology report - which may take up to 20 weeks!
Michelle's memorial service was this past Saturday, the 16th of April. We got to see her the day before. I have never really been around someone who had died so I was not sure what I would do. She didn't look that good. I was amazed that they was no spark, no essence of her...she truly was gone. The service went well according to everyone. We did a celebration of life. I put together 3 boards of pictures of her over the years. I did try to find pictures of her with people who were going to be at the service. Mary (the minister) did a good job but I tried really hard not to concentrate too hard on what she was saying. We ended the service with a candle lighting ceremony. Michelle's candle symbolized her soul, the very essence of Michelle. We all lit small candles from her's and set it down on the table by her candle. This was to show that even though we were apart we would always be together in spirit and love.
After going to E's house, we ate, drank, etc. then people started leaving....going back to their lives. I know this affected everyone but they can go back to their lives. My heart hurts. The worst time is the evenings. I want to know why? Why Michelle? Why when she was still so young? Oh my God, I miss her so much, I cannot imagine never talking to her again, never hugging her, never telling her the depth of my love for her. When I think of the years ahead of me there is a part of me that knows she would want me to live life to its fullest...but there is also a large part of me that really wonders if I can go on. What can of life will I have without her?
I do love my son but as a daughter gets older the relationship between a mother and daughter changes into a very close relationship. Not that we didn't drive each other crazy at times but I respected her, I was proud of who she was as a person, I loved the fact that she wanted to become the best person she could.
I am still so shocked that one day she was here, talking to me on the phone, then I get a call saying that they could not resuscitate her...why would the beautiful heart of an amazing 26 year old woman stop? Why would God allow it? Why are bad people still alive and Michelle isn't? What horrible twist of fate let me give birth to my beautiful daughter then take her away from me? Her dad - my x, says he has gotten a few calls from someone late @ night, only Michelle called late @ night. When he looks at his phone it says her name...then it fades away. Her boyfriend Brandon, whom she lived with for 3 years says he feels her next to him, that he talks to her because he knows she is in the room with him. I believe in things like that...why don't I sense her? Why can't I feel her around me? I need to know that she is ok.
