Tidal Waves

I had prepared for Michelle's 27th birthday on 9/6 which was right after the 5 month anniversary of her death. I did a lot of self talk on the anniversary and got through that day. On her birthday my sister came in town and we went out for lunch then went for a long hike followed by dinner and more talk. It was really nice. 

I believe I plan for specific days that I know will be difficult to get through them. What happens is that FOLLOWING those days I am hit with a tidal wave of emotions and depression. It has been 6 days since Michelle's birthday and I have only left the apartment a few times. Most of the time I was alone or with my dog. I find it so difficult at times to be around people during these periods. I feel like all the progress and self improvement I have made is washed away, it's gone. I have missed 3 classes and haven't applied for 1 job. I finally hung up the quote:

"Don't ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you aren't willing to move your feet"

Many days I can get my feet going but then I hit periods like this and I feel immobilized, scared, anxious, lonely, depressed and wonder if it is worth continuing. I miss my daughter, I miss talking to her, I am so angry and jealous of people who say they can feel their loved one's near them. I can't! I walk outside and I stand ever so still, I try to feel with every cell in my body, I smell, I let the air move around me....the only feeling I get is a deep, dark feeling of desolate emptiness. No, she is no longer here. I am her Mother, I would know. We used to share the same sun, the same moon, and the same air. Even when she was living away I knew this and could feel her essence in the atmosphere. It is no longer there.

I told her when she was afraid to go to school that when she felt the wind, it was me sending her a hug, The air was wrapping my arms around her and hugging her. It became one of our sayings to each other, it is even on my last birthday card from her. I long to feel the wind and just know it is her, so far it is just the wind.

I am trying to honor Michelle by becoming the best "me" that I can. Some days I feel like I am making steps towards it. But periods like these just make me feel like I failed her when she was alive and I am failing her after her death. I honestly believe she was so special that she deserved a better mother, better parents than what she was given. At my lowest I wonder if I had made her go to the DR would we have been able to find her heart problems...but no, I am unemployed and did not like to even suggest it. I know she never said anything about not feeling well but I wonder if she would have since she knew I didn't have the money???

The counselor that I have been seeing is no longer at the facility where she was, she is looking for a new position. I hope and pray she finds something soon and that I can start seeing her again. I have never really felt comfortable with a counselor but I do with her. I miss having someone to really talk to. She helps explain the feelings, my reactions, what is normal etc. I pray that she finds a place soon and that she can continue to see me.

I have some homework and I need to get back on track....Michelle, if you can hear me, there is no way that I can make it without you and God right beside me, holding me up.....I am not strong enough to do this alone.

Learning from 9/11

Today is a day of remembrance and pride, for what we lost and for those who ran towards instead of away, from people in need. I believe we need to remember our past to learn from it, both the failures and the successes.

Today as we remember, let us also ponder on how fear and anger can drive people to do things they would not normally do. Let us learn from the treatment of Muslims and "foreign" looking people after 9/11, let us remember the Japanese internment, the Jewish people, the Polish, the Irish, people of Color, the gay's, and now the Mexican immigrants. These are but a few.

The events of 9/11 forever changed our nation. Let's honor those who passed and pray for their family and friends...but also remember the people who helped those in need, the flags that started flying from homes, the pride felt in our country, the empathy and compassion that flowed from hearts.

I am learning that when you are in pain it helps to remember the good. We can choose to remember the act itself ~ or the death itself, or we can choose to remember the gifts that came from this, to individuals as well as to the world, how events and people touch our hearts and make us better people because of them.

I believe those who have past on would want us to better ourselves instead of becoming bitter. I love the quote; "If my child or loved one were here with me today what would they tell me to spend more time doing and what would they tell me to spend less time doing?" I do not believe they would want our hearts to be filled with fear, hatred or anger. Instead let our hearts be filled with compassion, empathy, and love. 

Today I honor those lost during 9/11 and their friends and families. I pray we learn from our adversity, tribulations, and losses. I hope and pray we will never forget those who have gone before us. I also hope because of them and the price they paid, we become better people and continue to grow, not in fear but in love.

A friends words

A friend wrote this and I had to post it:


I am strong because I've known weakness, 
I am compassionate because I have experienced suffering, 
I am alive because I am a fighter, 
I am wise because I've been foolish, 
I can laugh because I have known sadness. 
 can love because I have known loss. 
Mostly, I am strong because God holds me up when I stand! 
Thank you God for making me a strong woman who has weathered the storm but still loves to dance in the rain!!

9/6/11 ~ Michelle's 27th birthday

For those of you who do not have access to my daughters FB site, I have compiled some of HER words (she had so many journals). These words span over several years, ending about 1.5 years ago.

To Michelle, on what would have been your 27th birthday:

You and your brother are my greatest accomplishments. I am a better person because of you. The world was a better place when you were in it. With your help as well as His help, I hope to not only get through this but to become a person you both will be proud of. I will always love you and miss you. It was both an honor and a blessing to call you my daughter. As you became an adult and grew into a beautiful woman, you became so much more...you were my friend, my cheerleader, you taught me the meaning of loving, I am eternally grateful that you were given to ME to raise, even if only for 26 years.

From Michelle's journaling (I hope we learn from her words):

I've lived many places which has enabled me to meet many amazing, different people, see a lot of things, and have adventures, but AZ is eternally my home. I'm grateful for what it brought to me. Life is short and the older I get the more I am aware of this fact.."Most of us live our whole lives... without any real adventure to call our own." I'm addicted to good movies...I love meeting new people, having fun, great conversation, etc. I love a great night out on the town with great people but also love my nights at home in "feetie pajamas" with spaceships on them.

I'm me...the good and bad. Well, there is no "good" or "bad'...so I should say the traits some people love and others don't... I give everything I can to those around me. I have been accused of being overly generous, but I hope that whenever I die, at least I know I made other people's lives/experiences better, even in tiny ways.

Do I regret any of my relationships? No. Some of them were stupid. Some were good, and some were bad. Some hurt like hell and left some serious scars. Some were amazing and made me immensely happy. Some were extremely painful. Some were life altering. The really good ones were all of the above. Every relationship I've had (friends, family, romantic) have been a blessing and I truly care about all of those people and am grateful for what they brought to my life and in some cases, continue to bring...sometimes I have trouble seeing it, but I remind myself, even the bad made me stronger and better. 

I've been blessed (as an old friend recently told me) because I have had GREAT people in my life; I have great friends. Even the ones who are no longer actively in my world as much or we've parted ways, I can only hope some of their greatness rubs off on me. It is never where you are but who you are with that matters.

Everything has led me to where I am..it isn't fabulous, or even what I expected...in fact, it is nothing like I expected and nowhere I thought I'd be (New York City??). But, that is life...it is never what we expect, and sometimes we hate that and sometimes we love it. Hopefully, we just enjoy it.

We can only hope that in the time we have alive, we grow, improve, and develop....not necessarily into "perfection" but at least consistently becoming better everday.

Where I'm going....somewhere better. I'm a better person than I thought I could be. The answer is that I care, I may be crazy, impuslive, and even very picky about those close to me, but in the end, I am empathtic. I'm going somewhere good in the future, because forgiveness and love allow me to overcome and let people affect and improve my life...moreover, in my desire to improve theirs lives' I become a better person everyday.