I had prepared for Michelle's 27th birthday on 9/6 which was right after the 5 month anniversary of her death. I did a lot of self talk on the anniversary and got through that day. On her birthday my sister came in town and we went out for lunch then went for a long hike followed by dinner and more talk. It was really nice.
I believe I plan for specific days that I know will be difficult to get through them. What happens is that FOLLOWING those days I am hit with a tidal wave of emotions and depression. It has been 6 days since Michelle's birthday and I have only left the apartment a few times. Most of the time I was alone or with my dog. I find it so difficult at times to be around people during these periods. I feel like all the progress and self improvement I have made is washed away, it's gone. I have missed 3 classes and haven't applied for 1 job. I finally hung up the quote:
"Don't ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you aren't willing to move your feet"
Many days I can get my feet going but then I hit periods like this and I feel immobilized, scared, anxious, lonely, depressed and wonder if it is worth continuing. I miss my daughter, I miss talking to her, I am so angry and jealous of people who say they can feel their loved one's near them. I can't! I walk outside and I stand ever so still, I try to feel with every cell in my body, I smell, I let the air move around me....the only feeling I get is a deep, dark feeling of desolate emptiness. No, she is no longer here. I am her Mother, I would know. We used to share the same sun, the same moon, and the same air. Even when she was living away I knew this and could feel her essence in the atmosphere. It is no longer there.
I told her when she was afraid to go to school that when she felt the wind, it was me sending her a hug, The air was wrapping my arms around her and hugging her. It became one of our sayings to each other, it is even on my last birthday card from her. I long to feel the wind and just know it is her, so far it is just the wind.
I am trying to honor Michelle by becoming the best "me" that I can. Some days I feel like I am making steps towards it. But periods like these just make me feel like I failed her when she was alive and I am failing her after her death. I honestly believe she was so special that she deserved a better mother, better parents than what she was given. At my lowest I wonder if I had made her go to the DR would we have been able to find her heart problems...but no, I am unemployed and did not like to even suggest it. I know she never said anything about not feeling well but I wonder if she would have since she knew I didn't have the money???
The counselor that I have been seeing is no longer at the facility where she was, she is looking for a new position. I hope and pray she finds something soon and that I can start seeing her again. I have never really felt comfortable with a counselor but I do with her. I miss having someone to really talk to. She helps explain the feelings, my reactions, what is normal etc. I pray that she finds a place soon and that she can continue to see me.
I have some homework and I need to get back on track....Michelle, if you can hear me, there is no way that I can make it without you and God right beside me, holding me up.....I am not strong enough to do this alone.
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