I
feel as if I have put up an imaginary wall around myself. This wall
protects me from the pain, hurts, loneliness, and nightmares from
the last 6.5 months. I am afraid that this imaginary wall has become
so strong that it now holds me up. Right now, I am not sure what
would happen without it. The wall does, however, comes down ever so
slightly almost every day. This usually happens when I am alone. It
is then that I fall apart...breaking into a million pieces. A broken
shell of the old me. It is then that the tears and the pain flow
freely and my silent screams rise within me.
Slowly the wall builds back up preparing for yet another day. Every once in awhile someone says or does something that touches my heart and a crack forms in the wall, some tears may also appear. I cannot stop them as they come from my soul. They are tears of release from the pain inside me and tears of gratitude because someone cared.
Slowly the wall builds back up preparing for yet another day. Every once in awhile someone says or does something that touches my heart and a crack forms in the wall, some tears may also appear. I cannot stop them as they come from my soul. They are tears of release from the pain inside me and tears of gratitude because someone cared.
Over
time the wall has strengthened and I fear it will become a part of
me. I believe there is only one way out of this wall. The wall that I
have come to love for it's protection yet hate for it's isolation. It
is the caring, understanding, comfort, and love from others that will
continue to create cracks in the wall. Eventually, hopefully, there
will be enough cracks in the wall that it will completely come down.
In order to bring my wall down, or any wall, it would need to be encircled by others who offered the love and care that is so desperately needed. It is then, and only then, that I will be free from this wall. I trust it is then that I will not need this wall anymore. I will be able to hold myself up, both physically and emotionally.
Many will not withstand the long and laborious time. For those of you who do, I hope you are not disappointed with the person standing in front of you. I will be a different version of who you knew. My hope is not to become an angry and bitter person but a loving and compassionate one. I will never be a whole person again, please do not expect it. Part of me died with Michelle, never to return. Though it will be because of Michelle and you too, that I will continue to grow without the need of a wall. Thank you.
In order to bring my wall down, or any wall, it would need to be encircled by others who offered the love and care that is so desperately needed. It is then, and only then, that I will be free from this wall. I trust it is then that I will not need this wall anymore. I will be able to hold myself up, both physically and emotionally.
Many will not withstand the long and laborious time. For those of you who do, I hope you are not disappointed with the person standing in front of you. I will be a different version of who you knew. My hope is not to become an angry and bitter person but a loving and compassionate one. I will never be a whole person again, please do not expect it. Part of me died with Michelle, never to return. Though it will be because of Michelle and you too, that I will continue to grow without the need of a wall. Thank you.
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