What a rough evening emotionally. I did have some appointments and found out that I made the deans list which was extremely satisfying for many reasons. One of the reasons why it is so important is to quiet some of those "voices" which we all grow up with. Mine being the feeling that no one really thought I would/could amount to much, or could do this. Well, I am showing myself that I can do this and do a good job at it. Maybe 30 years later than I should have but oh well. I am also dealing with the fact that many of those people who keep me feeling down about myself are actually family members. I am trying to learn how to deal with this. The main thing I am doing is trying to stay away from the people who bring such negativity into my life.
For many reasons I did not drive the 3 hrs to my brothers house for Thanksgiving, which I am learning is unforgivable in their eyes. It appears I am "out" which includes, though it has for awhile, any updates on my mother who is in a nursing home near by brother. This is something I am struggling with, how can people just decide not to include you in emails when in concerns the well being of their collective parent?
One thing it has done is to let me know that they may not be the type of people I need in my life as I try to move forward. It is hard enough to become the person you want to be without carrying the cross of the past along with you. I just don't have the strength to do want I need to do and to worry/carry them with me. This is very hard for me as I have realized that what others think of me affects me greatly. I need to work on not letting their negative thoughts affect me so intensely.
I need to purge this negativity, mourn the loss of the type of relationship which I wanted, and move on. I do have a sister who is very positive and supportive. She also has the type of life which lends itself to one of support and friendship, something to learn from. So, time to take a deep breath, repeat positive talk, keep eating well, and exercising,,,,and NOT let this knock me off track....
Anne; it's a hard painful realization to make isn't it? When the people that you EXPECT should love us and support you the most are actually the ones who insist on constantly tearing us down? Sometime they don't even realize it, but that doesn't excuse it. If we're to have any relationship at all with these people we have to set limits and have boundaries in place. We havbe confident enough to stand up for ourselves in a dignified and respectful matter. Damn, we're too old to have to learn this crap now! (As you can tell, I'm workin on it myself).
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the AWESOME work you've been doing with your school and life lessons!
Thank you so much for your support and understanding. I knew this journey that I committed to would be difficult but there are still times when I feel as if I have been socked in the stomach. I am coming face to face with some of what has had such a big negative impact on me and my life, and it is painful.
ReplyDeleteYou are so correct that we have to set up boundaries and that we are too old for this crap..but better that we learn it now than to remain in the same unhealthy environment.
Thanks again for all your positive support, it means so much to me..
No problem. Have you considered getting a "shelfari" account and putting up a link here? That way we can see what you're reading cuz I know you're reading something! and I bet it's GOOD!
ReplyDeleteI have never heard of it. I'll check it out and let you know. Thanks for the info on the site.
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