THE WALL

I feel as if I have put up an imaginary wall around myself. This wall protects me from the pain, hurts, loneliness, and nightmares from the last 6.5 months. I am afraid that this imaginary wall has become so strong that it now holds me up. Right now, I am not sure what would happen without it. The wall does, however, comes down ever so slightly almost every day. This usually happens when I am alone. It is then that I fall apart...breaking into a million pieces. A broken shell of the old me. It is then that the tears and the pain flow freely and my silent screams rise within me.

Slowly the wall builds back up preparing for yet another day. Every once in awhile someone says or does something that touches my heart and a crack forms in the wall, some tears may also appear. I cannot stop them as they come from my soul. They are tears of release from the pain inside me and tears of gratitude because someone cared.

Over time the wall has strengthened and I fear it will become a part of me. I believe there is only one way out of this wall. The wall that I have come to love for it's protection yet hate for it's isolation. It is the caring, understanding, comfort, and love from others that will continue to create cracks in the wall. Eventually, hopefully, there will be enough cracks in the wall that it will completely come down.

In order to bring my wall down, or any wall, it would need to be encircled by others who offered the love and care that is so desperately needed. It is then, and only then, that I will be free from this wall. I trust it is then that I will not need this wall anymore. I will be able to hold myself up, both physically and emotionally.

Many will not withstand the long and laborious time. For those of you who do, I hope you are not disappointed with the person standing in front of you. I will be a different version of who you knew. My hope is not to become an angry and bitter person but a loving and compassionate one. I will never be a whole person again, please do not expect it. Part of me died with Michelle, never to return. Though it will be because of Michelle and you too, that I will continue to grow without the need of a wall. Thank you.

Tidal Waves

I had prepared for Michelle's 27th birthday on 9/6 which was right after the 5 month anniversary of her death. I did a lot of self talk on the anniversary and got through that day. On her birthday my sister came in town and we went out for lunch then went for a long hike followed by dinner and more talk. It was really nice. 

I believe I plan for specific days that I know will be difficult to get through them. What happens is that FOLLOWING those days I am hit with a tidal wave of emotions and depression. It has been 6 days since Michelle's birthday and I have only left the apartment a few times. Most of the time I was alone or with my dog. I find it so difficult at times to be around people during these periods. I feel like all the progress and self improvement I have made is washed away, it's gone. I have missed 3 classes and haven't applied for 1 job. I finally hung up the quote:

"Don't ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you aren't willing to move your feet"

Many days I can get my feet going but then I hit periods like this and I feel immobilized, scared, anxious, lonely, depressed and wonder if it is worth continuing. I miss my daughter, I miss talking to her, I am so angry and jealous of people who say they can feel their loved one's near them. I can't! I walk outside and I stand ever so still, I try to feel with every cell in my body, I smell, I let the air move around me....the only feeling I get is a deep, dark feeling of desolate emptiness. No, she is no longer here. I am her Mother, I would know. We used to share the same sun, the same moon, and the same air. Even when she was living away I knew this and could feel her essence in the atmosphere. It is no longer there.

I told her when she was afraid to go to school that when she felt the wind, it was me sending her a hug, The air was wrapping my arms around her and hugging her. It became one of our sayings to each other, it is even on my last birthday card from her. I long to feel the wind and just know it is her, so far it is just the wind.

I am trying to honor Michelle by becoming the best "me" that I can. Some days I feel like I am making steps towards it. But periods like these just make me feel like I failed her when she was alive and I am failing her after her death. I honestly believe she was so special that she deserved a better mother, better parents than what she was given. At my lowest I wonder if I had made her go to the DR would we have been able to find her heart problems...but no, I am unemployed and did not like to even suggest it. I know she never said anything about not feeling well but I wonder if she would have since she knew I didn't have the money???

The counselor that I have been seeing is no longer at the facility where she was, she is looking for a new position. I hope and pray she finds something soon and that I can start seeing her again. I have never really felt comfortable with a counselor but I do with her. I miss having someone to really talk to. She helps explain the feelings, my reactions, what is normal etc. I pray that she finds a place soon and that she can continue to see me.

I have some homework and I need to get back on track....Michelle, if you can hear me, there is no way that I can make it without you and God right beside me, holding me up.....I am not strong enough to do this alone.

Learning from 9/11

Today is a day of remembrance and pride, for what we lost and for those who ran towards instead of away, from people in need. I believe we need to remember our past to learn from it, both the failures and the successes.

Today as we remember, let us also ponder on how fear and anger can drive people to do things they would not normally do. Let us learn from the treatment of Muslims and "foreign" looking people after 9/11, let us remember the Japanese internment, the Jewish people, the Polish, the Irish, people of Color, the gay's, and now the Mexican immigrants. These are but a few.

The events of 9/11 forever changed our nation. Let's honor those who passed and pray for their family and friends...but also remember the people who helped those in need, the flags that started flying from homes, the pride felt in our country, the empathy and compassion that flowed from hearts.

I am learning that when you are in pain it helps to remember the good. We can choose to remember the act itself ~ or the death itself, or we can choose to remember the gifts that came from this, to individuals as well as to the world, how events and people touch our hearts and make us better people because of them.

I believe those who have past on would want us to better ourselves instead of becoming bitter. I love the quote; "If my child or loved one were here with me today what would they tell me to spend more time doing and what would they tell me to spend less time doing?" I do not believe they would want our hearts to be filled with fear, hatred or anger. Instead let our hearts be filled with compassion, empathy, and love. 

Today I honor those lost during 9/11 and their friends and families. I pray we learn from our adversity, tribulations, and losses. I hope and pray we will never forget those who have gone before us. I also hope because of them and the price they paid, we become better people and continue to grow, not in fear but in love.

A friends words

A friend wrote this and I had to post it:


I am strong because I've known weakness, 
I am compassionate because I have experienced suffering, 
I am alive because I am a fighter, 
I am wise because I've been foolish, 
I can laugh because I have known sadness. 
 can love because I have known loss. 
Mostly, I am strong because God holds me up when I stand! 
Thank you God for making me a strong woman who has weathered the storm but still loves to dance in the rain!!

9/6/11 ~ Michelle's 27th birthday

For those of you who do not have access to my daughters FB site, I have compiled some of HER words (she had so many journals). These words span over several years, ending about 1.5 years ago.

To Michelle, on what would have been your 27th birthday:

You and your brother are my greatest accomplishments. I am a better person because of you. The world was a better place when you were in it. With your help as well as His help, I hope to not only get through this but to become a person you both will be proud of. I will always love you and miss you. It was both an honor and a blessing to call you my daughter. As you became an adult and grew into a beautiful woman, you became so much more...you were my friend, my cheerleader, you taught me the meaning of loving, I am eternally grateful that you were given to ME to raise, even if only for 26 years.

From Michelle's journaling (I hope we learn from her words):

I've lived many places which has enabled me to meet many amazing, different people, see a lot of things, and have adventures, but AZ is eternally my home. I'm grateful for what it brought to me. Life is short and the older I get the more I am aware of this fact.."Most of us live our whole lives... without any real adventure to call our own." I'm addicted to good movies...I love meeting new people, having fun, great conversation, etc. I love a great night out on the town with great people but also love my nights at home in "feetie pajamas" with spaceships on them.

I'm me...the good and bad. Well, there is no "good" or "bad'...so I should say the traits some people love and others don't... I give everything I can to those around me. I have been accused of being overly generous, but I hope that whenever I die, at least I know I made other people's lives/experiences better, even in tiny ways.

Do I regret any of my relationships? No. Some of them were stupid. Some were good, and some were bad. Some hurt like hell and left some serious scars. Some were amazing and made me immensely happy. Some were extremely painful. Some were life altering. The really good ones were all of the above. Every relationship I've had (friends, family, romantic) have been a blessing and I truly care about all of those people and am grateful for what they brought to my life and in some cases, continue to bring...sometimes I have trouble seeing it, but I remind myself, even the bad made me stronger and better. 

I've been blessed (as an old friend recently told me) because I have had GREAT people in my life; I have great friends. Even the ones who are no longer actively in my world as much or we've parted ways, I can only hope some of their greatness rubs off on me. It is never where you are but who you are with that matters.

Everything has led me to where I am..it isn't fabulous, or even what I expected...in fact, it is nothing like I expected and nowhere I thought I'd be (New York City??). But, that is life...it is never what we expect, and sometimes we hate that and sometimes we love it. Hopefully, we just enjoy it.

We can only hope that in the time we have alive, we grow, improve, and develop....not necessarily into "perfection" but at least consistently becoming better everday.

Where I'm going....somewhere better. I'm a better person than I thought I could be. The answer is that I care, I may be crazy, impuslive, and even very picky about those close to me, but in the end, I am empathtic. I'm going somewhere good in the future, because forgiveness and love allow me to overcome and let people affect and improve my life...moreover, in my desire to improve theirs lives' I become a better person everyday.

Lost Love

Void, empty, hollow inside

My dreams have fled, my hopes have died

Existence has no reason

Life's just passing with each season

She was my life, my hope, my love

All is gone, passed by thereof

The hurt is such no one should bear

What's to life, why should I care?

I weep all night for my love gone

My heart is sick, for death I long

Mine eyes well tears for love that's lost

I'll mourn always for the great cost

But in each day Lord give me hope

Strengthen me so I may cope

Grant me wisdom to help me see

Thy great way and not just me.

For if these traits are not given to me

I fear a fate similar to thee

For this life is now too difficult to bear

Since her death I just don't care

                  ~~found this it was written by someone else, I added the last paragraph..

1st Time in Church since Michelle died

I went to church this past Sunday, something I hadn't done in awhile, I hadn't found a church home but I have to admit that I wasn't looking really hard either. Anyway, I went to Unity Christ Church, Rev Mary officiated @ Michelle's memorial service. I was nervous about going but prayed that God would open my heart and let me hear what I needed to hear.

I came in on Part 3 of a discussion but this sermon was on Prosperity Challenge. She discussed how you can't enter a place of prospering idea's from a place of fear. In other words if we are so fearful of the future and worrying about the future, we are starting to go forward from that place of fear. When we form a consciousness of fear, it can only lead to the wrong place, because out of fear WE are dictating the direction. 

Whereas with the Prosperity Challenge we 1st of all need to start with exactly where we are at that moment, with what we have. We need to concentrate on what we have and be thankful of what we Do have and not what we don't have. By starting out from a place of graditute we are actually forming a bridge to the kingdom of God.

So instead of worrying about bills, how we will make it, etc, we need to stand still, be still. God commands we enter a different consciousness by standing still. By being still we form a partnership with God and the universe. 

So, we start with where we are and with what we have,  it is enough because it is all we have so it HAS to be enough. When we give thanks it leads to words and feelings which then leads us to a "HAVE" consciousness not a "HAVE NOT" consciousness. If we have thoughts of love and thankfulness, those feelings radiate from us and create more of those feelings. Similar to magnets and like attacks like.

It states it in 2 Kings Ch.4, where it shows there is power in the moment. When the poor woman had nothing but oil in her home, she focused on what she did have and God make the oil last. By focusing on what she had she did not need to worry about the future. Jesus also spoke about it in the Gospels, when they told God they did not have enough to feed everyone.  Jesus focused on what they did have ~ some loaves of bread and some wine, He then gives thanks for what HE DOES have and the feelings of thankfulness and love create more, thus they had enough to feed everyone. Also, by giving away what we do have it "expands and grows".

In other words, give thanks for what you DO have and God will lead you to what he wants you to have.

YES = Your Empowerment System

Also, we repeated the following which I liked:

Surely the presence of the Lord is in this place

Surely the presence of our God is in this place,

I can feel the mighty power & the grace.

I can hear the brush of angel's wings,

I see glory on each face.

Surely the presence of our God is in this place.

"The light of God surrounds us

the love of God enfolds us

The power of God protects us

The presence of God watches over us"