Strength

I am not sure that I have the strength to go on without Michelle. It took the coroner in LA almost 2 weeks to finally do an autopsy, only to tell us it was deferred until they get the toxicology report - which may take up to 20 weeks! 

Michelle's memorial service was this past Saturday, the 16th of April. We got to see her the day before. I have never really been around someone who had died so I was not sure what I would do. She didn't look that good. I was amazed that they was no spark, no essence of her...she truly was gone. The service went well according to everyone. We did a celebration of life. I put together 3 boards of pictures of her over the years. I did try to find pictures of her with people who were going to be at the service. Mary (the minister) did a good job but I tried really hard not to concentrate too hard on what she was saying. We ended the service with a candle lighting ceremony. Michelle's candle symbolized her soul, the very essence of Michelle. We all lit small candles from her's and set it down on the table by her candle. This was to show that even though we were apart we would always be together in spirit and love.

After going to E's house, we ate, drank, etc. then people started leaving....going back to their lives. I know this affected everyone but they can go back to their lives. My heart hurts. The worst time is the evenings. I want to know why? Why Michelle? Why when she was still so young? Oh my God, I miss her so much, I cannot imagine never talking to her again, never hugging her, never telling her the depth of my love for her. When I think of the years ahead of me there is a part of me that knows she would want me to live life to its fullest...but there is also a large part of me that really wonders if I can go on. What can of life will I have without her? 

I do love my son but as a daughter gets older the relationship between a mother and daughter changes into a very close relationship. Not that we didn't drive each other crazy at times but I respected her, I was proud of who she was as a person, I loved the fact that she wanted to become the best person she could.

I am still so shocked that one day she was here, talking to me on the phone, then I get a call saying that they could not resuscitate her...why would the beautiful heart of an amazing 26 year old woman stop? Why would God allow it? Why are bad people still alive and Michelle isn't? What horrible twist of fate let me give birth to my beautiful daughter then take her away from me? Her dad - my x, says he has gotten a few calls from someone late @ night, only Michelle called late @ night. When he looks at his phone it says her name...then it fades away. Her boyfriend Brandon, whom  she lived with for 3 years says he feels her next to him, that he talks to her because he knows she is in the room with him. I believe in things like that...why don't I sense her? Why can't I feel her around me? I need to know that she is ok.

I don't want to be an angry person, but I can see and feel myself getting angrier every day. We went to the funeral home today to pick her up. They handed us a box with her ashes in it. My daughter, with the deep, caring soul, and this is all that is left of her. I wonder if my heart will ever heal? Do I even want it to? It just seems like it will take so much energy to heal from this......Michelle, I love you, I miss you, I want you back.

Michelle 9/6/84 - 4/4/11 My beautiful daughter

I keep trying to write something, anything, as long as it is amazing, but I just stare at the screen. Words fail me, my heart aches as never before, at times I just want to scream "give her back to me". I look for a sign, is she ok? All mothers want to know where their children are and that they are safe. That's only natural. You see on Monday my beautiful daughter died. She was 26 years old. We have no idea why and are waiting for the autopsy to find out what happened.

Michelle is amazing. I lost a daughter, a friend, a cheerleader, and someone I respected. I was so proud of the woman she had become and was still growing into. I will tell you more about her when I can. Please pray that God is with her and that He is with us during this time.

Update on Hearing Aid

I will be getting my hearing aid within the next 2 weeks. I am so excited and having a hard time waiting... Everything else is going well. I have 2 tests tomorrow and am not really prepared for them so I am going to make this short. 

I will post more after the tests....

Hear, Hear!

I received wonderful news yesterday that I just had to share! Many do not know that I am hearing impaired. Due to a growth and surgeries, I am deaf in one ear and have lost about 43% in my other. Most insurance companies do not cover the cost of hearing aids because they are considered a "luxury" item. These same insurance companies do however, cover Viagra!! Go figure. But, I digress.. I have been trying to obtain a hearing aid because I still have what they call nerve hearing and certain hearing aids can help. I just found out yesterday that I may be able to get one of these hearing aids!!!!! I am so ecstatic! I can not imagine what it will be like to go in a restaurant and actually be able to hear, to be able to follow along in class.... Needless to say, I feel truly blessed right now.

I have been walking every evening again but I'm not losing any weight. I would like to join WW again, I seem to do well with it and like the accountability. We will need to see how money goes.

I just really wanted to share my good news!

Saturday

Went to a local coffee house to study, we decided to try a new one. I didn't get much done on my paper and we learned that specific coffee house is a little to loud for studying but it was fun to visit.

I haven't gotten back into my exercising other than walking but I am doing well at watching what I am eating and sticking to healthier options.

My daughter did come for a 2 week visit. It went well and we enjoyed being together. I have to say that her smoking did bother me a little. I was either tempted or coughing because the smoke came in through the patoi door! Next month I will be celebrating my 1 year anniversary for quitting smoking. Now to lose the weight I gained from quitting....

Hopefully the nice weather holds out for the rest of the weekend.

uncluttered life, uncluttered mind

I have been going through my house and de-cluttering. I have done this in the past when my children moved out and when I moved to a smaller place but clutter seems to be like gremlins, it multiplies!

I sold my large dining room table and bought a smaller, more modern one. I was also able to get a really nice "new to me" desk and got rid of my old desk. This desk has a larger work space and I love it. I was able to purchase all of these with the money from selling my dining room table, so I am pleased.

I have gone through all my rooms except my bedroom, I am tackling that this weekend. I also need to go through my storage closet and the closets in my bedroom. This feels so good and refreshing, like a weight has been lifted.

I have also started writing down what I am eating, another step in getting back on track. I am struggling with late night snacking.

Kodi and I are going back out for walks, which also feels good. I recently found "meetup" online and have joined a hiking group and a 50+ group. I am hoping to meet people in Fort Wayne, something I haven't really gone out of my way to do. Since I've just joined I don't have an opinion yet but am going into it with an open mind.

Learning about ADHD has been interesting and sad. I am learning how to be more organized since I know the medication is only the beginning. Eventually I will try to learn more about food and how other things effect me. Right now, I just want to learn to be me again and to enjoy some of the things I have never been able to. I don't what it to define me but it is amazing the things I am learning....

It's a beautiful day and I am getting my hair done today...going with a perm for a new look and less work. For those who know me, you know that I don't like high maintenance.

Have a wonderful weekend!!!

I'MMMMMMM BAAAAACCCKKKK!!!!!

It's been a busy, hectic, wild month. I went to a new DR last week (this has been a long and ongoing) and after going through a lot of my health history and letting him know how frustrated I am and how bad I still feel. We talked for quite some time before he brought up ADHD. I told him that 3 of my professors in the last year have mentioned this. Anyway,  I decided to try the medication. To say that I was shocked and surprised is an understatement. I feel so much better, I am able to concentrate, my thinking is clearer, I'm less irritable, my thoughts are less jumbled... I could go on and on.

I am keeping a journal so I can keep track of how I feel. I am making sure I am eating (have to with my thyroid) and sleeping. I go back to the DR in just under two weeks. I know there are a lot of different views on this subject matter, heck I have had them myself, but, I am making decisions based on my health and how I feel. Right now I feel like I may be on the right path...